"Girl,Lorneka why are you still single? You're pretty,smart,you can pray and you have your doctorate.It cannot be that bad for you to find a man." Do you like women?
The details may be different but some of you believe that marriage is the ultimate satisfaction in life but it's NOT! This year I celebrated 10 years being single & celibate and it's been a great journey "finding me." There have been ups and downs but I'd be hear all day describing what it feels like to finally have confidence and self-esteem in who God called me to BE.
There are a lot of beautiful-intelligent-women rocking red bottoms and beat-faces struggling with low self-esteem.I too was challenged with that spirit but only continual deliverance changed my soul.Yes,I'm grateful for my academic success and other accomplishments but I came to understand that success was not supposed to be my identity. Christ alone is my identity.
We are bombarded with voices from the media,society,family,experts and even the church about finding a soul mate.If you're single,divorced or in a complicated relationship wondering when is your BIG proposal,it's time to relax.You and I should not be anxious or freaking out about anything (money,love,success,fame,kids,promotion,etc).Anxiety causes us to make crazy decisions that can take years to fix.
The bible states in the book of Philippians 4:6-7 (MSG), "Don't fret or worry.Instead of worrying,pray.Let petitions and praises shape your worries into prayers,letting God know your concerns." So if your heart is troubled about marriage or finding the right one,ask yourself what is the root of your anxiety.
But "Dr.Lorneka you don't understand." Actually I do.I know what it feels like to be in love with a man you thought was your husband.I know what it feels like to meet a man in ministry only to find out that the timing was off.I also allowed my exes to feel over my body but sexual intimacy outside of marriage is still wrong in God's eyes.A real man would never touch,feel or seduce a woman into having sex without walking her down the aisle.
If you don't have a relationship with God,you will constantly be troubled in your heart about what other people think you should be doing.As a believer,God called me to fulfill His purpose first.Purpose and true joy doesn't show up after the ring.It should manifest before the ring.Don't let singleness hinder your development and cause you to doubt God or wallow in sadness,envy or jealousy.Okay,so you've stood in few weddings (27 maybe LOL) but if you haven't fully surrendered your heart to the ONE who knows where and who your spouse is,then why do you think it's time to get married?
Too many of us spend hours following,scrolling and watching others that God can't even get our attention.After all the break-ups and temporary-highs,I needed something more than a few words and dinner.I needed a SAVIOR.In the words of Kelly Price, "I need healing for my soul." Thus began my journey of celibacy.Like you,I have fallen short not just in my actions but also in my mind lusting after someone who is not my husband.At 30 years old,I am at the place where I no longer let loved ones or society tell me my life sucks because I'm not dating or having sex.
My soul costs too much for me to be letting any Tom or Jason take me on a test drive or spend the night.The more we give ourselves away to random men and not to Christ,the emptier we will be when we finally encounter our future-spouses.Christ died on the cross for you and I to have life and have it more abundantly? That abundance includes self-worth,joy and peace.
On the other hand,waiting on God for a spouse doesn't mean being socially inactive as well (preaching to myself).We can socialize with others without compromise.Surround yourself with like-minded people who believe in love.The bible states that we are in the world but we are not of this world.This means that though we live here,there should be a distinct difference in our behavior compared to someone who doesn't acknowledge Christ.For example,it's not okay to be cursing, twerking,gossiping or fornicating just because it's popular.Every sin has a consequence.
I used to watch a show called "Sex & the city" where the character Carrie Bradshaw played by Sarah Jessica Parker sat by her window nightly writing letters,smoking and wondering WHEN she would find true love.Your Mr.Biggs will appear in due season ladies if you believe first in your spirit.Enjoy this season while you can with your girlfriends,family & don't wait until marriage to live a fabulous life.Join a church,take trips,improve your finances,go through counseling for those deep hurts,start a business if it's God's will for you but keep moving FORWARD sisters.
Additionally,make sure you are a living example of what you expect in a mate.Are you honest, compassionate,disciplined with money,prayer and fasting? Are you a people-pleaser or does God come second? Can you say no to sex? Do you truly celebrate others or does your ego aka pride talk most of the time? Also, make sure you are not making your BIG day (job,boyfriend,image,sex,title) an idol in your heart.I'm not talking about a Buddha doll.An idol simply put is anything that takes up more space in your heart and mind more than God.
Until we become content in every state and allow God to heal our ugliness and open-wounds,waiting will become exhausting when it shouldn't be.Singleness is also the time where soul ties need to be broken.You can't expect to meet your future while you and your ex play around when you're horny. It's time to show God you mean business.I truly believe that as I execute my purpose,God will cause my future-spouse and I to meet.Hence,my sense of peace.
So the next time someone asks you why are you still single,when are you having kids or where is your "Mr.Biggs",answer with confidence that God is processing you and you are content with where you are right now because this season is just temporary.
Cheers to being single,celibate & fabulous!
