I'm trying but it still hurts!

Are you are still stuck with your feelings of hurt and bitterness and can’t experience TRUE freedom.Well,I am going to explain how God instructed me to walk out forgiveness.

Everyone has been hurt mostly by loved ones,which is why it hurts so much.In the beginning according to Genesis 1:27, God created man in His image,male and female. Which means in His image,there shouldn't be anger,bitterness,unforgiveness or any form of pride.But this is not the case.

It's challenging to forgive someone who has hurt you but doing it alone is even harder that's why we need Christ.So you're probably asking,"how do I start to let go of the pain and hurt that I am feeling towards______?" (Fill in the blank with a name(s) which may also include yourself ).

First,confess that you are hurt because someone disappointed you.Hurt comes from having an unmet expectation.You and I at some point asked someone to do something for us or we assumed that a certain person understood what we needed/wanted but instead, our expectation fell to the ground.To make matters worse,the person who hurt you did not acknowledge what they did nor did they apologize for what happened.The audacity!

We tend to believe that people who hurt us know they are hurting us or just because we are close,they should have known better.Unless you ask for something from someone albeit,a family/friend,no one aside from God knows what you thoughts 24/7.Human beings are strongly capable of making errors and this is why Psalms 118:8 states that,"it is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man.The description of "man"  can include parents, spouses, children,employers,soul mates, leaders, girlfriends and more.

I am not telling you to quit trusting people.We can trust people but not more than God.Trusting people more than God leads to unnecessary heartache.

Secondly,make a list of names of the people who hurt you.Think about the people you hurt as well.Being honest shows God that you mean business.For example, if you are praying for a car and God gave you a used red-Honda that doesn't have a transmission then you can’t get upset. If you wanted a new 4-door blue Infinity with leather seats then pray for it according to your faith.God still specializes in specifics contrary to popular belief.

When I created my list years ago,it was hard to do because the pain I endured returned and I was not ready to deal with the issues.Here comes the hardest part.You MUST meet with the person(s) if possible to talk.Holding issues in your heart does not make you nice,it keeps you in bondage.If you have to dig through emails,make an appointment or leave messages, do YOUR part so God can find you blameless.But if the person refuses after you've tried, not just once,then God will honor that.

I understand that you're too busy to deal with the pain right now because it’s too heavy but WHEN will you face it? When the person dies and you tell them rest in peace? Aren't you tired of crying and aching? When you don't forgive and the person has moved on,you are being controlled by satan himself.This opens doors for other evil forces to overwhelm you.When we delay our healing, we delay our freedom.

Next, begin to pray this prayer."God help me to forgive____ for what they did to me and heal my broken heart." You are to exercise this until you experience breakthrough.Do not quit on the first week or month.I'll ask you again. Aren't you tired of crying,aching and pretending?

I knew that my daddy's absence was the cause of rejection I had as a child..After reading the word and going to services,I knew we had to talk soon.One day while mourning the loss of my grandmother,the Holy Spirit said it was time to have "the talk." As my chest began to tighten and tears began to fall,I begged my daddy to sit down and listen to me.The issues were rejection,molestation and secrets my mother (deceased) and other family members hid from me.

I needed some answers to help me become whole.The time to peel off the mask you wear on Sunday is NOW.I know you're probably thinking Lorneka you do not know what they did to me.“I told them to keep it a secret?” “I gave him my heart and he lied” “I lost so much money” or “She stabbed me in the back and I was a good friend” and the list goes on.I am not here to belittle your events.I am here to tell you that there is a better way to live.

The only way God answers our prayers of forgiveness is when we forgive those who trespassed against us.Could it be that some of our prayers are unanswered is because we are holding on to a grudge? Let that sink in because this was hard for me to swallow too.

Forgiveness is about YOU.It's not easy but anything worth having takes FAITH.And that faith my dear cannot be placed into the hands of a human being.

My list of names has gotten shorter because I now enjoy pleasing God.When I know I offend someone,I quickly repent and apologize.As you forgive,you will start to experience peace. That night after crying,screaming and hugging my daddy,I slept like a baby.The "talk" was very therapeutic for me.The bible also tells me to honor my mother and father so that my days shall be long (Exodus 20:12).How can my days be long when I disliked being around my daddy much less do anything for him without complaining?

So after being rejected for 20 years,God has healed my heart in 7 years concerning my daddy all because I was sick and tired of being--sick and tired.I also forgave my molester.So I hope truly release those who have hurt you.It will not be easy but with God ALL things are possible to him that believes.If you need help with this,pray about who to go to but start YOUR work and do it now.Your future awaits your call to truly forgive!!

My daddy and I at my birthday celebration. #daddy's-girl
We talk every other day and see each other at least twice a week now.

If God healed me,I want the same for you,

Signed Lorneka

Am I a prostitute?

No I know that many of you reading this post know that you are NOT a prostitute.

But ask yourself, “What part of me have I given away in exchange for money?”

When I looked up prostitution, several definitions stood out at me. One source defines prostitution as the practice or occupation of engaging in sex with someone for payment.

But the definition that jumped out at me was one who sells one's abilities, talent, or name for an unworthy purpose. Could it be that we're prostituting what God gave us for His glory and we are abusing it?

Well for my church folks, I may be confused because you're waiting for your spouse; you do not fornicate and everyone in the church knows your name and the walls come down when you sing. Sure. But God gave you a gift but you've placed a price tag on it and you won’t help anyone unless your wants are met!

I woke up this morning with this on my heart as God asked how many of His children are prostituting themselves in exchange for death and not for Him. Our bodies are the temples of the Holy Spirit and our temples house our God-given gifts and talents.

Years ago, I made a deal with God that if He delivered me from the unbearable pain that I was enduring at the time, I would become celibate until marriage. Thankfully, we both kept our deals and I owe it all to Him. However, I still have to be discerning to other demonic spirits that want to buy me in exchange for temporary satisfaction.When I gave a man a part of me, I always left empty handed and broken. This then transferred over into my other relationships and I soon became weary.

To my single brothers and sisters, consider your ways. I don’t care how you pretty it up, if you’re in a relationship where your bills are being paid, you receive gifts in exchange for sex- you are a prostitute. Point, blank period. If someone loves you but does not find you worthy enough to marry, leave that person alone. Jesus bled and died for you and I to have a life of freedom- not a life of bondage.

So, I ask this question again? Are you a prostitute or not? If you are, repent now.Stop selling yourself & find true freedom in the arms of Jesus.

New-age idolatry

Today marks day 15 of what I call a detoxifying process.Since my return home to Miami to complete my final year in school,so much has happened (good and bad).The good thing about rotations (unpaid clerkship)  is that I get to spend time with my family and live outside my books.This has been a challenge for me but I am walking out my dream so fun went to the bottom of my bucket list.

As it relates to the bad,it's not what you're probably thinking.There are no financial or physical hardships per se but I have walked away from my first love and it hurts.My schedule every week has been 9-5,choir rehearsal through the week and socializing with my family.I transitioned to another church and I am also being pulled every other weekend to do something towards my career.No longer was I consistent with the schedule I had in college waking up early to pray,fast and devote time to God.My first love had now become a burden to communicate with.This is a no-no.I desire to still live as if there is a heaven and a hell.

So as I headed to work October 1st to help with a flu clinic,God asked me how bad I wanted to be on fire for Him again.His voice was loud but yet subtle.I responded internally with, "I need you badly."He then asked me to deactivate my facebook account and allot some time to either pray or read my bible because my spirit was on "E".He told me just because everyone else was being "busy",doesn't mean I should follow the crowd.So I am now reading the celebration of discipline.I am an encourager by nature but I was not re-fueling myself after pouring out myself to everybody else.Another area that changed was my physical body.I was so fatigue after work to the point where I would wake up the next day.My weight also increased.

Life is good and I have nothing to complain about but God literally instructed three of my loved ones to question me about my spiritual life out of no where.I believe this was a warning and also preparation for my next level.My fasting has been inconsistent.I also had an itch to do stuff when God was telling me to sit still and rest. Somehow,I allowed the distractions and idols of my heart to ignore "the voice" that has given me-LIFE.This voice is my first love-Jesus Christ.I now understand what it means when I hear folks say when everything is good,you don't need God.But when things are bad,we pray and seek God more.Everything good is not always from God.So if you and I are not doing things that bear fruit or advances the kingdom of God,we are operating in idolatry.An idol is anything that takes the place of God.

I thank God for the refreshment,rejuvenation and self evaluation.If you are located in this same place,pray this prayer.God,I repent to you and Jesus Christ for creating idols (myself, people, food, and being busy) in my heart.I repent for not being kingdom driven and telling you what I want to do.Obedience is what you desire from me always.Thank you for grace to start over again.I miss you.Help me oh Lord to get rid of ALL idols so I can seek first the kingdom of God and remain in love with Jesus Christ.

Psychiatric disorders

This week,I began training on a psychiatric ward with one of my professors for a month.Week one was really interesting but more eye-opening.Due to the fact that I had moments of depression growing up,I am very compassionate towards those who are diagnosed with mental disorders.

Depression can affect anyone at any point in life.There are many factors that can cause depression but according to experts and scientists,there is a chemical imbalance in the brain.The chemicals that are imbalanced are called neurotransmitters (NTs).The main types of NTs involved in depression are norepinephrine (NE), serotonin (5-HT) and dopamine (DA).Genetics also plays a role in these disorders.I know your brain probably hurts from all the terminology but understanding the cause of a problem can actually help fix the problem.

I believe that I’m being trained on a psychiatric ward to expand my knowledge as an intern pharmacist but to also be a blessing.The interesting thing about the psych patients I have met thus far is that most of them look normal.Psychiatric disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety and substance abuse are not detectable to the naked eyes.We all know people who are hurting inside but they are smiling on the outside. So people need to be diagnosed by psychiatrists because if left untreated, death can occur.

Thursday, a well-known music producer/manager by the name of Darrel Lighty (aka Chris Lighty) killed himself after an altercation with his wife according to New York’s daily news.This, shortly after 68 year-old film director Tony Scott committed suicide last week Sunday.There are more stories of suicide but I want you to recognize that mental disorders can overtake anyone who does not seek medical attention.My heart goes out to the families especially the children involved. More and more teenagers are being affected by mental disorders and this hurts my heart.

My goal is to bring awareness to the silent but yet-loud thoughts in our minds that we encounter in the midst of painful situations.We live in a society where sharing weaknesses brings shame, ridicule and embarrassment.I want to let you know that if you feel hopeless,defeated or having thoughts of suicide, it is OKAY to cry out for help.This does not mean that you are weak.Confessing your weakness according to the bible actually makes YOU strong.

While interacting with bipolar and depressed patients who self mutilate themselves to escape pain, I have come to realize that committing suicide is a selfish act. Why is it selfish? It is selfish because there are people who are counting on us to live because our presence means something to them whether we believe it or not. Then there are people who do not have family or friends around but God did not create anyone out of purpose.Everyone on this earth has a purpose.

The advancements in science as it relates to treating mental disorders have come a long way.There are a lot of patients who are being treated professionally and their lives are improving significantly. It may take some time before you can get back to living normally again, but your life is valuable so do NOT give up.

In conclusion,the bible promises us that we will experience trials in this life but please find someone to talk to who will not judge you but help you. It doesn’t matter how old you are (13 or 60 years old), you deserve to live a normal life again. I believe that God can heal your mind and spirit because He loves you. I was fortunate enough to recognize my need for help as a teenager and I reached out for help. However, two years ago I had an anxiety attack and was rushed to the hospital and it has changed my life.I have learned to relax, pray and find ways to release stress and frustration.I hope this post helps you to evaluate your life and save it because you’re worth living.

I know it hurts so bad but trust me there is life- AFTER the pain.

Feel free to comment or send me an email to ladylorneka@gmail.com

Don't judge me

For the past few months, I've been reading and hearing these words everywhere.I am sure you've heard it or maybe you said it yourself.I am guilty and I have a repented heart.But I would like to discuss the root of what I believe is the beginning of destruction even if it's a joke. Jokes,as I am learning are still powerful because they are spoken words and the earth does not know the difference. So we get, what we give out. That's another blog post.

I decided to blog about this because I believe that if we do not get back to loving each other in the ways of God,we will destroy each other out of God.

Before going into detail about why the flesh does not like being judged,let us talk about the human body. The body (flesh) likes to be fed 24 hours a day.As long as it has a feeder,it will accept invitations of pleasure. So, when it comes to feeding the spirit man and not the flesh,a war is created. If you ever notice when you are trying to do something positive that builds your inner man,your flesh gets upset and then you get weak in the process.Your body does not like to be disciplined unless you first condition your mind.

I say all that to say,making statements such as "don't judge me" is not only telling someone to leave you alone, but it is also telling others, "let me do what I want even if it destroys me." This is NOT God's definition of love. In today's society,where a lot of people know it all, wanting to be disciplined or receive correction is not popular. But if we keep asking God to help us be more like Jesus and yet ignore his instructions when it comes through anyone,we will all become the walking "dead."

I understand that no one is perfect and everyone is not qualified to tell you what to do.However,as an adult you must identify folks in your life who love you and can correct you. But if you get to the place where you do not want to be disciplined or when you hear the word of God,you throw a tantrum, please call for help. The reason I say call for help is because the enemy of your soul wants to destroy you, keep you in the dark and harden your heart concerning the things of God.This is a very dangerous place.

Recently,I've been studying the book of Corinthians and it's interesting.When Paul was talking to the people of Corinthians about judging,he was referring to judging believers in the church and not the world.God did not call us to judge unbelievers, but believers of Christ should be able to receive correction based on the bible.It's painful how we all use scriptures and add our twist for convenient pleasure.So anyhow, if believers of Jesus Christ are doing things that are ungodly,we must ask ourselves is there something I'm doing wrong or am I too prideful to confess my need for help?

Pray this prayer: Lord I repent for everything that I have said that was not your will for my life.Help me to be more like Jesus and give me a pliable heart where I can receive correction from you and the Holy Spirit.There are habits I need to change but I don't know how to stop them.Please hear my cry for help and answer me in Jesus name,Amen.

Reality TV or reality?

Two years ago while on a summer break, my cousin asked me one night to come and watch a new show with her in the living room.So ten minutes into the show,I noticed that my spirit began grieving at the consistent use of curse words. I thought to myself, "well I don't curse so this show is NOT going to affect me." I was completely wrong.

The actresses in this show were famous through past relationships and their financial statuses in their community. It's called Reality TV. Time went on every Sunday and I eventually became a fan of this show.I found myself getting upset when I could not watch it. Now after a few episodes something in me asked "what is this doing for you?" I blatantly ignored the voice and carried on entertaining myself as if damage was not occurring.

The idea of being a born-again christian,sitting down watching unmarried people prostitute themselves for money, fame & still call themselves classy is suppose to be convicting enough,for me to turn the "tube" off. Needless to say, I cannot keep ignoring "the voice" which is the Holy Spirit and destroy what God has been repairing all these years- Me. It was exciting getting on social networks ranting & gossiping about the various shows every week. I even began using similar languages expressed in the shows, all for FUN. As the shows progressed, people started realizing that the entertainment was foolishness.

However, as I draw near to God, I have to put away childish behavior.Which means if God doesn't like something according to the word, then I should not like it as well. Romans 12:2 says, "Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind...."
In other words God is saying, you cannot allow the words & ways of unbelieving Christians to become a lifestyle for you.If God doesn't condone fornication,adultery,fighting,gossip,drunkenness, idolatry and other forms of evil, then I need to renew my mind & stop entertaining others who do.

So this week I've started cutting out the mess of what the world calls entertainment.I'm challenging myself and others to be very cautious as to what is entertaining to us and do some evaluations.I have to now replace the desire to do something that will feed me or not take away from my spirit man.I conclude with this thought someone shared with me.The word enter-tain-ment originally comes from the word "detain or hold".So the idea or substance being viewed "enters" the vessel without them knowing.This my friend is REAL-ity.

I need air

It's 78 degrees here in Nassau & the atmosphere is peaceful.I decided to go running in the afternoon because I missed the sunrise. Nonetheless,I did it.But as I began walking for about 15 mins,I started to expire very heavily. I usually warm up for at least 7 mins but only warmed up for 3 mins today. Problem #1- chose a shortcut when I shouldn't have.

So I began walking and my chest started to get tight and I turned around to see how far my house was so that I could turn back but I had walked too far to return.Problem #2-looking back.As I continued, I literally felt my oxygen level being restored.This was a sign of relief.

I was able to start running and got to the first traffic light without stopping. So I kept running and running until I felt the tightness in my chest. Now when I felt the tightness the second time, it was different because I became thirsty. I didn't have money to buy a bottle of water at the nearest  convenience store.Problem #3-looking at what I don't have.But I was not going to allow my current state to hinder me from taking my hour walk/run.

In life,we all know that there is something we are supposed to do that makes us happy but somehow along the way, our chest gets tight and we need a little bit of water.Ten minutes away from home, God told me that when I run out of air, resources and people to encourage me on this race, I need to call on Him who is the creator of ALL resources. The word of God already tells us that we will encounter struggles, but lacking the ABILITY to deal with added struggles comes from a lack of calling on our heavenly father.

I was encouraged today by the "drop of life" that was given to me. I encourage you to keep walking on your path to YOUR destined purpose in life. You will get tired.You will need to take a break.You will feel as if you're about to collapse.You will want to hit people who may try to get in your way.You will need some "water"- which should be faith.But I beg of you, do NOT give up.If you run out of "air" call on the most resourceful person of all & say to Him " I need air please......help me."